Many of us had questions when we first came to Recovering Couples Anonymous. We wondered if this program could really help our relationship, what would be expected of us, and whether we would fit in.
Below are answers to some common questions that helped us better understand RCA and how it works.
Topics
Understanding Recovery
What is a recovering couple?
The word “couple” is inclusive of any two adult people in a committed relationship without regard to legal status or sexual preference.
A recovering couple is any partnership with a desire to remain committed to each other and to restore and build healthy communication, caring and greater intimacy.
We are couples who suffer from many problems, some identified and some not, some treated and some not.
We also come from many levels of brokenness, and we all seek healing in RCA.
What is sobriety in couple recovery?
We define sobriety as the ability to remain committed to the relationship.
We believe sobriety begins when we take and accept the First Step together:
We admitted we were powerless over our relationship and that our life together had become unmanageable.
What is a slip or relapse in couple recovery?
A slip occurs when we:
- Question our commitment
- Refuse to accept mutual responsibility
- Get into blaming or judging behavior
- Violate the safety guidelines
- Stop working the program together
About RCA
How can Recovering Couples Anonymous help our relationship?
In RCA we learn the many ways we have hurt ourselves and our coupleship.
We often did not have the foundation or role models to help us know how to live in a healthy relationship.
We recognize that neither our loves nor our relationships have been ideal.
The RCA principles are tools that have been guides to spiritual progress, rather than perfection.
RCA helps us to help ourselves.
What is Recovering Couples Anonymous?
Recovering Couples Anonymous is a Twelve-Step fellowship founded in the autumn of 1988.
There are groups in many cities in the United States, Canada, and Europe.
RCA is continuing to spread to other areas.
Although there is no organizational affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), our Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and our Twelve Concepts of Service are adapted from A.A.
Our primary purpose is to stay committed in loving and intimate relationships and to help other couples achieve freedom from addicted and destructive relationships.
Who runs the business of RCA?
RCA is nonprofessional. Each group is autonomous.
The Board of Trustees of the World Service Organization (WSO) is the governing body for the services provided to the RCA fellowship.
Membership and Participation
How do we become members of RCA?
You are a member if you participate in the program. You do not have to sign up. There are no dues or fees.
Do we attend only as a couple or separately?
RCA meetings are for both members of a couple.
We think of our coupleship as a distinct entity with a separate life of its own that needs nurturing and development.
There are times when both members cannot come to a meeting together, and it is usually possible for an individual partner to occasionally attend RCA recovery meetings alone.
However, the program works only if both members are willing to work it.
Must you belong to another Twelve Step program to be in RCA?
No. Although we strongly suggest that both members of a couple be in an individual recovery program as well as RCA, it is not a requirement for RCA membership.
Can we participate in RCA if we are separated, divorced, dating, gay or lesbian?
Yes. The only requirement for membership in RCA is that you are a couple who desires to remain committed to each other and to restore a caring, committed, and intimate relationship.
Tools of RCA
What are the tools that help us in our recovery?
We have found that working the program means using the available tools one day at a time.
The most important tool is attending RCA meetings.
Here we learn how the program works, how to practice the Twelve Steps together as a couple, and how to replace old unhealthy behavior patterns with healthy ways of relating.
The tools include:
- The RCA Blue Book
- Couple sponsors
- Developing a support system
- Conflict resolution contracts
- Reading literature
- Doing service
- Affirmations
- Playing together
- Resolving conflicts
- Using the Safety Guidelines
How do we work the program together, especially if we are struggling?
At times, one member is more willing to work on the relationship than the other.
Sometimes, the best we can do is to attend RCA meetings, as we let our Higher Power and the fellowship show us the way.
The program gives us the tools, but the choice is ours.
What is a safe way to share with my partner?
Suggestions for Sharing Check List
- Start with the Serenity Prayer and the RCA Safety Guidelines (both may be found on the Materials for Couples page).
- Did you share your answer to each question with your partner by reading the question, then reading your answer exactly as it is written?
- Did you refrain from giving your partner any feedback regarding the content of his or her answer? If you didn’t understand the answer, did you say, “Can you clarify your answer, I didn’t understand it”?
- If you found considerable misunderstanding, did you use a mirroring technique to be sure you were truly communicating?
- Did you remember that under no circumstances are the answers — that either one of you gives — open for debate? Did you each write and share what was specifically your reality while the other listened carefully and non-judgmentally?
- Did you remember your perception of an answer for each question may be entirely different than your partner’s and that is okay? Did you accept your partner’s perception as his or her reality — neither right nor wrong, good nor bad?
- Did you remember that it is okay for you or your partner to cry, feel pain, love, anger, joy, or any other emotion? Did you remember that it is not okay to judge your partner’s answers or to berate or try to change his or her ideas, opinions, or feelings?At the completion of this session, did you thank your partner for sharing openly and honestly and for letting you do the same? A hug is also a nice way to put closure on a sharing meeting.
* Once the Step is done, do not rehash it. It is complete and finished. Above all never, never, never use anything your partner shares during the Steps as a weapon during an argument. Remember, what your partner shares is the way he or she sees the relationship and the world. You may accept and respect his or her viewpoint and still not agree with it.
Meetings
What is an RCA meeting?
In Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA), meetings are safe, confidential gatherings where couples support each other to restore healthy communication, trust, and intimacy. Guided by the Twelve Steps, couples share experiences, strength, and hope to address challenges like addiction or relational difficulties, fostering both personal and relationship recovery.
What happens at a meeting?
Meetings typically follow this structure:
- Opening with the Serenity Prayer
- Reading of the Preamble
- How It Works Part 1
- The Twelve Steps
- How It Works Part 2
- The Tradition of the Month
- Main meeting content (speaker couple, step-study, meditation, etc.)
- Safety Guidelines
- Open sharing
- Closing with announcements, Seventh Tradition, and Promises
What can we talk about at an RCA meeting?
Our focus is on sharing who we are as a couple, and how individual issues and addictions impact our relationship.
We listen and speak respectfully to our partners and others. It is important to avoid self-righteous statements or taking our partner’s inventory.
What do couples speak about at an RCA meeting?
Speaker couples share their relationship experience, strength and hope, including:
- Their unique couple story
- How individual problems affected the relationship
- How they recognized their dysfunctions
- How they got into couple recovery
- How they work the RCA Twelve Steps
- Their work with sponsor couples
- How building intimacy has been enhanced by the program
What happens if we meet another couple we know at an RCA meeting?
Anonymity is our spiritual foundation—providing a safe place to recover. Remember the slogan:
Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
Getting Started
How do we get started in RCA?
The best way to start is to attend a meeting.
You can find all available RCA meetings on the Find A Meeting page.
We invite you to join a meeting that fits your schedule – newcomer couples are always welcome.
How do we know the RCA program will work for us? Can RCA save our relationship?
While there are no guarantees, we have found that no matter what problem we are facing someone else in RCA has gone through it before us.
The tools, support, and recovery experience are all there for you.
The rest is up to each of you together and your Higher Power.
The Program
What is meant by Higher Power?
Step Two says:
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to commitment and intimacy.
Each couple defines that power as they understand it together. It could be God, or a spiritual experience, even nature.
What is a sponsor couple and how do we choose them?
A sponsor couple is another RCA recovering couple who shares with you their experience of working the Steps together.
This couple can help you understand the RCA program, learn to use the tools, and just be there for you as a couple.
Individual and Shared Experience
How can listening help us?
Many of us have found that listening to our partner without interruption or preparing a rebuttal is extremely valuable!
Listening increases understanding and empathy with our partner.
After we leave the meeting, what happens then?
The best advice is to keep working the program.
It is important to respect our partner’s boundaries, and to ask permission to talk about an issue.
Each of us must feel safe so that openly sharing with each other will foster the trust and nurturing our relationship needs to grow and endure.
Do we have to be in conflict or have problems to participate in RCA?
No.
Some couples choose RCA in order to build healthy relationships from the beginning.
None of us have had perfect families. Most of us have prior baggage. All of us will have struggles in our relationships.
How can we, as a beginning couple, share our experience, strength, and hope?
We learn from one another. Each of us is important. No one couple has all the answers. There are many opportunities for growth through 12-Step Service, such as:
- Writing for the RCA Newsletter Hand in Hand
- Serving on World Service Board committees
- Participating in local recovery service
- Attending the International Convention